Animation by Plague of Gripes

The last time I said, “I’m going to fire a load into this cougar and mount her head to my wall,” I meant it. I always mean it. It’s difficult wrestling them to the ground, but that’s not the hardest part. The hardest part is the teeth. They’re wild, and they love to bite. They bite because they’re afraid of letting go; because they never learned that a long term commitment hinges on putting aside your own desires. Meanwhile, they’re choking down a big piece of meat in a dark cave, in the middle of the coldest winter they can remember. “That’s a good kitty,” you tell them. But it doesn’t stop them from trying to cry. But cougars can’t cry. Because they’re only beasts. Beasts meant to be ridden – ridden into the misty, mountainous woodlands of Kentucky. Only their distant howls to remind the world that they once existed. And a red dress from younger days they’re too afraid to wear again, because deep down, they know it hasn’t fit for years. Also they’re closely related to lions, which went extinct on the North American mainland a few thousand years ago. Did you know American Lions were the largest big cats to ever exist? Imagine if those were still around. They’d make a few fourteen year old boys happy.